The Ruthless Pursuit of Above-Ground Living
Reaching the Lost Young Men: Part 2
Note: Today I am continuing a series on Reaching the Lost Young Men. These are my personal thoughts on how Christians and churches need to reach out to modern American men who are struggling. In short, I am proposing four distinct Christian, gospel-centered, and church-oriented things that these lost young men need.
The ruthless pursuit of “above-ground living.”
Mentorship and “honest affirmation.”
Family reconciliation.
Today, the topic is the ruthless pursuit of above-ground living.
“Simply Playing a Game”
In 2024, The Wall Street Journal reported on the tragedy of a 14 year old Orlando boy who killed himself. Days before, he had told his AI chatbot “girlfriend” of his plans. The bot exhorted him not to follow through. But the illusion of romance continued. According to their chat logs, the boy seemed to think killing himself might actually unite him with the bot.
What about the people around him? A short paragraph tells a big story:
According to transcripts, Sewell began to feel that the time he spent with Daenerys [the bot] was more important, and certainly more satisfying, than the time he spent in school or with his friends and family. His mother was concerned by his withdrawal—he always seemed to be headed to his room and to his screen, where he’d chat for hours. But she figured she needn’t worry too much. Her son was simply playing a game.
The last two sentences invite reflection. A young teenage boy’s radical withdrawing from friends and family wasn’t enough to worry his mother, since he was just playing a game. My guess is that most people who read this story will come away thinking the lesson is that parasocial relationships with AI bots are dangerous. True. But the real takeaway is before that. When young men recede from the in-person world, when they tuck away in corners away from family, friends, and real life, bad things—sometimes tragic things—are inevitable.
Disappearing from real life into isolated silos of consumption is what I call “below-ground living.” Below-ground living doesn’t mean merely a lot of time on our phones. It’s not merely a measure of screen time. Nor is the opposite of below-ground living purely a life without social media or streaming. Below-ground living is a mode of life, a rhythm of existence that gravitates toward the ephemereal, the meaningless, and the elsewhere. It’s a pattern whereby a person develops a discomfort with in-person life, opting whenever possible to substitute a digital alternative.
Below-ground living makes days without conversation or meaningful work feel normal, even therapeutic. In below-ground living, digital devices are not tools, but furniture, the things that play the most active role in supporting day to day existence. Virtual communities become the “real” friends, who get access to personality while the family, coworkers, and classmates are left wondering, “What are they up to?”
In addition to holistic depornification, young men need “above-ground living.” If below ground living is a rhythm of steady retreat into consumption, above-ground living is a rhythm of production. It’s a life of meaningful work, genuine friendship, and confident identity. Above-ground living is living that’s fruitful for others, yes, but also a powerful antidote to despair and delusion in oneself.
The Movement of Manhood
My friend and colleague Champ Thornton once shared with me a definition of manhood he has used with his (now grown) sons: “Manhood means moving toward people and problems in love and wisdom.” This doesn’t encompass everything about being a man, but it does capture the movement of manhood. Healthy manhood is on the move, not inert. A healthy man does not crave safety most of all. He feels an urge to step into new experiences, new responsibilities, new areas of the world that he can leave better than before.
