Thank you for attempting to plot a course out of our generational (and multi-generational) malaise. I have observed in my short life a tendency for elder males to laugh away secrets, or to share formative memories of how their grandfathers and/or great uncles shared something secret with them. Incidentally, in the 40s, 50s, and 60s, that secret is almost always a first drink between the ages of 9 and 14 that came with a wink and a "don't tell your mama and we can do this again!" While I'm certain this wasn't a universal experience (it certainly seems to have been more common in ethnically/nationally identified subcultures i.e. "my Irish grandfather in Philadelphia."), I am relatively certain that overcoming this requires becoming the kinds of men and women who naturally cultivate families of embodied honesty.
Healing our inner lives by rejecting self-comforting fantasies and accepting that we *are* wanted by a satisfying Lover is a process that un-salts the soil of our previous domicides. If we hold secrets, we disarm our own ability to confront our doubts and resentments, which will recycle our insecure fantasies. As you say, this is not optional if we want to have a generative future. This is one of your best essays, so I again thank you.
“After 2000, Internet speeds increased, and soon the fastest, freest, and most secret way to consume was obvious. Many millennial men were going through puberty at the same time that their household was just getting online. As a result, an entire generation received the lion’s share of their sexual knowledge and experience from explicit media.”
I deeply resonate with this because this was the time when my curiosity online took off. Started with YouTube and began to drift to other things. You learned the key words and phrases to get what you want. And I can also attest to the hindrance it brought to my marriage. Even knowing where my identity couldn’t stand under the avalanche of temptation. It was when my eyes began to look towards the Lord as my prize and delight that the alignment fell into place. By his grace, it’s like he allowed me to see how my pursuit of satisfaction left me wanting.
This is so important. I had my first encounter with porn maybe in 1st grade? Another kid happened upon discarded explicit material on our elementary school playground and showed it around. This was probably...1993? I remember feeling something was immensely wrong, partially because the scenery reminded me of my own house. Even though I had no comprehension of what I was seeing, it felt so...violative.
In middle school we got an internet-connected computer and from that point I was a daily user of pornography. Often multiple times a day.
It wasn't until my very early 30s that I broke this pattern. I had been married for years. Fortunately I was able to find a way out.
But now, porn is just...depressing. I can't get over how oppressive and dehumanizing it is for everyone involved. I'm grateful for that change, and hope to help others have the same transformation. Grateful for this post and praying it helps many.
I don't know what your history is with this devastating issue, but you have captured the evil spirit of the addiction well. And have charted a helpful course out. There's a technical component to staying clean related to devices, software, and digital habits that have helped me immensely, too. I'm always happy to help other men figure out that part of depornification, if needed.
Thank you for attempting to plot a course out of our generational (and multi-generational) malaise. I have observed in my short life a tendency for elder males to laugh away secrets, or to share formative memories of how their grandfathers and/or great uncles shared something secret with them. Incidentally, in the 40s, 50s, and 60s, that secret is almost always a first drink between the ages of 9 and 14 that came with a wink and a "don't tell your mama and we can do this again!" While I'm certain this wasn't a universal experience (it certainly seems to have been more common in ethnically/nationally identified subcultures i.e. "my Irish grandfather in Philadelphia."), I am relatively certain that overcoming this requires becoming the kinds of men and women who naturally cultivate families of embodied honesty.
Healing our inner lives by rejecting self-comforting fantasies and accepting that we *are* wanted by a satisfying Lover is a process that un-salts the soil of our previous domicides. If we hold secrets, we disarm our own ability to confront our doubts and resentments, which will recycle our insecure fantasies. As you say, this is not optional if we want to have a generative future. This is one of your best essays, so I again thank you.
“After 2000, Internet speeds increased, and soon the fastest, freest, and most secret way to consume was obvious. Many millennial men were going through puberty at the same time that their household was just getting online. As a result, an entire generation received the lion’s share of their sexual knowledge and experience from explicit media.”
I deeply resonate with this because this was the time when my curiosity online took off. Started with YouTube and began to drift to other things. You learned the key words and phrases to get what you want. And I can also attest to the hindrance it brought to my marriage. Even knowing where my identity couldn’t stand under the avalanche of temptation. It was when my eyes began to look towards the Lord as my prize and delight that the alignment fell into place. By his grace, it’s like he allowed me to see how my pursuit of satisfaction left me wanting.
This is so important. I had my first encounter with porn maybe in 1st grade? Another kid happened upon discarded explicit material on our elementary school playground and showed it around. This was probably...1993? I remember feeling something was immensely wrong, partially because the scenery reminded me of my own house. Even though I had no comprehension of what I was seeing, it felt so...violative.
In middle school we got an internet-connected computer and from that point I was a daily user of pornography. Often multiple times a day.
It wasn't until my very early 30s that I broke this pattern. I had been married for years. Fortunately I was able to find a way out.
But now, porn is just...depressing. I can't get over how oppressive and dehumanizing it is for everyone involved. I'm grateful for that change, and hope to help others have the same transformation. Grateful for this post and praying it helps many.
I don't know what your history is with this devastating issue, but you have captured the evil spirit of the addiction well. And have charted a helpful course out. There's a technical component to staying clean related to devices, software, and digital habits that have helped me immensely, too. I'm always happy to help other men figure out that part of depornification, if needed.
This is really well done