I appreciate your courage to write a piece like this - especially when the comments section is included :). And it's good to see you back in the saddle writing.
That said, I wonder if the piece might be different if written with the wife as the primary beneficiary of a marriage. Perhaps I'm misunderstanding, but it seems that guy "gets" something in every reason you list, whereas in Christianity, the greatest benefit in marriage is the giving.
Put differently: if I'm sitting down with a Christian guy who asks to marry my daughter, and I ask him why he wants to be married, what should I think if he gives me these reasons?
Perhaps it's because I am old (a grandfather, no less), or maybe because of the certain slant of my own spirituality, but I found the seven reasons missing I suppose what I would call "Truth in Advertising." Here, two items come to mind.
First, Stuff Happens. The real benefit of marriage for both men and women is that when Stuff does happen there's someone else there, there's a relationship, strained as it is that can help you process. This is the stuff of intimacy over time; it's not just friendship or sex (though sometimes that is the only way of seeming to negotiate or survive), it's a sort of persistence that builds shared memories, that can hold you together, or perhaps stop a fall. Stuff Happens to everyone, even the best, and Marriage helps you manage it.
Second, Marriage is a Spiritual Gym. It's where we can actually train in living as a Christians. To live with someone closely, intimately means that we are confronted with ourselves. We are also invited to be open to the other person, to give ourselves. It's a matter of fighting the Self. Spiritually, this can only happen when the relationship is held by covenant. Marriage, it seems, offers the possibility of becoming somebody (spiritually) better.
This list could more accurately be described as a wish list of many Western men regarding marriage and less of a list of universal reasons for getting married.
While wonderful when it actually happens, saying that “married sex is bliss. It’s beautiful. It’s tender,” is far from a universal experience that men (or women) can count on, and ends up being a burdensome expectation causing resentment and disappointment when the reality of sex and intimacy is messy and, for some, unfulfilling (at least for a time).
Viewing marriage as being “a lot of fun” and wives as “an irreplaceable friend” are hardly “universals.” These are popular ideals in the 20th and 21st century West, but would have generated quizzical looks in many Biblical times/locations. They’re incompatible with many non-Western cultural contexts in 2025, including non-Western Christian cultures, who have fundamentally different views about what constitutes “friendship” and “fun.”
Certainly there’s kernels of truth in this list that are not culturally specific or time-bound, but this list is more of a confirmation of what Dennis Hiebert wrote about in 𝙎𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙩 𝙎𝙪𝙧𝙧𝙚𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧: 𝙃𝙤𝙬 𝘾𝙪𝙡𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙖𝙡 𝙈𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙨 𝙎𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙚 𝘾𝙝𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙖𝙣 𝙈𝙖𝙧𝙧𝙞𝙖𝙜𝙚 and less a list of “universals.”
I had a feeling a comment like this was coming. One of the really frustrating things about writing on these kinds of topics is that it's almost impossible to say, "This is generally true," or, "This tends to be the case," without people being very quick to point out that it's not always the case. Yes, that's true. But the existence of exceptions and difficulties does not cancel out the general rule. It's impossible to read Scripture that way.
"While wonderful when it actually happens, saying that “married sex is bliss. It’s beautiful. It’s tender,” is far from a universal experience that men (or women) can count on, and ends up being a burdensome expectation causing resentment and disappointment when the reality of sex and intimacy is messy and, for some, unfulfilling (at least for a time)."
I did not say this was a universal experience that all married can count on. I offered its existence as a valid reason to motivate marriage. It's entirely possible that on a man's way to interview for a job, he will get hit by a car and die. It's entirely possible that on the family camping trip, his child will drown. Neither of these possible scenarios is a reason to not tell men to interview for jobs or take their kids camping.
"Viewing marriage as being “a lot of fun” and wives as “an irreplaceable friend” are hardly “universals.” These are popular ideals in the 20th and 21st century West, but would have generated quizzical looks in many Biblical times/locations. They’re incompatible with many non-Western cultural contexts in 2025, including non-Western Christian cultures, who have fundamentally different views about what constitutes “friendship” and “fun.”"
I freely admit I have no intention of speaking to cultural settings other than the one I and 99% of my readers inhabit. This is not a biblical theology of marriage. The comments about declining marriage and fertility in the modern West set the stage adequately.
I appreciate the feedback, but truthfully, this is just the risk anyone takes when they dare to make observations at a general scale. Everyone should feel free to spit out the chaff, but that doesn't mean the wheat isn't there.
As a set of ideals or reasons for the modern West, I wholeheartedly agree. I was really taking issue with the line: “they are the closest things to universals I can get.” This was the lens through which I read the essay as it appeared before the list.
The acknowledgement of exceptions and celibacy was spot on, but the list as a whole was difficult to digest when it seemed like the contextual framing was an attempt at “universals” about marriage and men.
We already know why people should get married. Most people want to get married. It'd be more productive for you to work with others (especially pastors and denominational leadership) to make that happen.
Happily married for over quarter of a century to a godly Proverbs 31 American woman! But in our 30s as spiritual compatibility was an absolute essential prerequisite for both of us - and that insistence meant a spiritually transformative soulmate marriage for each of us.(I was widowed in 2018 and her terminal illness actually made the marriage stronger). So men should get married! But don't settle for spiritual second best.
I appreciate your courage to write a piece like this - especially when the comments section is included :). And it's good to see you back in the saddle writing.
That said, I wonder if the piece might be different if written with the wife as the primary beneficiary of a marriage. Perhaps I'm misunderstanding, but it seems that guy "gets" something in every reason you list, whereas in Christianity, the greatest benefit in marriage is the giving.
Put differently: if I'm sitting down with a Christian guy who asks to marry my daughter, and I ask him why he wants to be married, what should I think if he gives me these reasons?
Perhaps it's because I am old (a grandfather, no less), or maybe because of the certain slant of my own spirituality, but I found the seven reasons missing I suppose what I would call "Truth in Advertising." Here, two items come to mind.
First, Stuff Happens. The real benefit of marriage for both men and women is that when Stuff does happen there's someone else there, there's a relationship, strained as it is that can help you process. This is the stuff of intimacy over time; it's not just friendship or sex (though sometimes that is the only way of seeming to negotiate or survive), it's a sort of persistence that builds shared memories, that can hold you together, or perhaps stop a fall. Stuff Happens to everyone, even the best, and Marriage helps you manage it.
Second, Marriage is a Spiritual Gym. It's where we can actually train in living as a Christians. To live with someone closely, intimately means that we are confronted with ourselves. We are also invited to be open to the other person, to give ourselves. It's a matter of fighting the Self. Spiritually, this can only happen when the relationship is held by covenant. Marriage, it seems, offers the possibility of becoming somebody (spiritually) better.
This list could more accurately be described as a wish list of many Western men regarding marriage and less of a list of universal reasons for getting married.
While wonderful when it actually happens, saying that “married sex is bliss. It’s beautiful. It’s tender,” is far from a universal experience that men (or women) can count on, and ends up being a burdensome expectation causing resentment and disappointment when the reality of sex and intimacy is messy and, for some, unfulfilling (at least for a time).
Viewing marriage as being “a lot of fun” and wives as “an irreplaceable friend” are hardly “universals.” These are popular ideals in the 20th and 21st century West, but would have generated quizzical looks in many Biblical times/locations. They’re incompatible with many non-Western cultural contexts in 2025, including non-Western Christian cultures, who have fundamentally different views about what constitutes “friendship” and “fun.”
Certainly there’s kernels of truth in this list that are not culturally specific or time-bound, but this list is more of a confirmation of what Dennis Hiebert wrote about in 𝙎𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙩 𝙎𝙪𝙧𝙧𝙚𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧: 𝙃𝙤𝙬 𝘾𝙪𝙡𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙖𝙡 𝙈𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙨 𝙎𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙚 𝘾𝙝𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙖𝙣 𝙈𝙖𝙧𝙧𝙞𝙖𝙜𝙚 and less a list of “universals.”
I had a feeling a comment like this was coming. One of the really frustrating things about writing on these kinds of topics is that it's almost impossible to say, "This is generally true," or, "This tends to be the case," without people being very quick to point out that it's not always the case. Yes, that's true. But the existence of exceptions and difficulties does not cancel out the general rule. It's impossible to read Scripture that way.
"While wonderful when it actually happens, saying that “married sex is bliss. It’s beautiful. It’s tender,” is far from a universal experience that men (or women) can count on, and ends up being a burdensome expectation causing resentment and disappointment when the reality of sex and intimacy is messy and, for some, unfulfilling (at least for a time)."
I did not say this was a universal experience that all married can count on. I offered its existence as a valid reason to motivate marriage. It's entirely possible that on a man's way to interview for a job, he will get hit by a car and die. It's entirely possible that on the family camping trip, his child will drown. Neither of these possible scenarios is a reason to not tell men to interview for jobs or take their kids camping.
"Viewing marriage as being “a lot of fun” and wives as “an irreplaceable friend” are hardly “universals.” These are popular ideals in the 20th and 21st century West, but would have generated quizzical looks in many Biblical times/locations. They’re incompatible with many non-Western cultural contexts in 2025, including non-Western Christian cultures, who have fundamentally different views about what constitutes “friendship” and “fun.”"
I freely admit I have no intention of speaking to cultural settings other than the one I and 99% of my readers inhabit. This is not a biblical theology of marriage. The comments about declining marriage and fertility in the modern West set the stage adequately.
I appreciate the feedback, but truthfully, this is just the risk anyone takes when they dare to make observations at a general scale. Everyone should feel free to spit out the chaff, but that doesn't mean the wheat isn't there.
As a set of ideals or reasons for the modern West, I wholeheartedly agree. I was really taking issue with the line: “they are the closest things to universals I can get.” This was the lens through which I read the essay as it appeared before the list.
The acknowledgement of exceptions and celibacy was spot on, but the list as a whole was difficult to digest when it seemed like the contextual framing was an attempt at “universals” about marriage and men.
Thankful for 42 years of marriage to my late wife Jeannette and agree with all of the above...
We already know why people should get married. Most people want to get married. It'd be more productive for you to work with others (especially pastors and denominational leadership) to make that happen.
Yes - I met my wife through a mutually trusted and godly pastor friend!
Happily married for over quarter of a century to a godly Proverbs 31 American woman! But in our 30s as spiritual compatibility was an absolute essential prerequisite for both of us - and that insistence meant a spiritually transformative soulmate marriage for each of us.(I was widowed in 2018 and her terminal illness actually made the marriage stronger). So men should get married! But don't settle for spiritual second best.